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My Guest book
Hi, My name is BETTE.
I live in Martinsburg,
WV at the moment with my beloved husband, Aleksandrs
Mihailovs, who is teaching Mathematics at Shepherd
College This site contains my writing and research regarding
a wide variety of topics.
Here is my 'unpublishable' work from 1987-1996:
Here is my new work:If brain damaged people everywhere could function better because of my story that would be excellent, but twice I was put in MENTAL clinics and nearly killed with that medicine Haldol because brain damaged people should not receive it. Now in light of the last time, I feel the need in me is strong to write this book. So very much is not known by relatives and friends that I am frightened by the absence of knowledge as is my family back in MA. and nothing seems known about simply 'sleepwalking'. This scares me since I have done this my entire life and now have a problem due to brain damage and lesions caused from chemical poisoning during Encephalomyelitis in 1986.
I did vast amounts of research on brain damage for about 1 year when I was able to get to a library near our campsite in Twin Mountain, NH. I was planning to try to finish writing my fiction novel to enter a contest, but the research I required to get some facts on my illness, seemed unrelenting. The two doctors I had then did not care enough to educate me on how to stop my dizziness by monitoring how quickly I moved my head. This alarmed me when I read about the vestibular organ of the ear and also fascinated me.
This provoked an enormous quest for knowledge and then a dream began in my heart. Richard Restak was my pivotal redeemer. When I first read of his research I wrote a letter about perhaps writing a book with my Neurologist and Psychiatrist because I had learned how to reorganize so much of my thinking and as I had thought at that time it could behoove so many. Doctors' Caplan and Von Oldenberg had agreed without hesitation but no response ever arrived from the person I had attempted to contact; I chose to put it off since otherwise I would find it too difficult due to the pathos. This issue ruined my life for almost ten years before I met and married Alec.
Now that his plans include a scenic and lovely backdrop rather than the hellish backdrop of Philadelphia, a vicious place in PA; I have plans to first write my own story here and let others read my medical files or whatever. Caring about what is truly right has been almost lost on city dwellers as opposed to my own friendly neighbors back in Tyngsboro, MA. Oddly enough the one man who did so very much for the ladies who lived at my address had little knowledge that I actually did so much of the preparing and planning of his locksmithing needs that made him have such a strong bond with my Dad. They were friends so my own father had thought he could offer him no better work than mine. Oddly enough at the time I didn't even notice how driven I was. Even that day I went out to fix the foreign car sporting my leg and full length arm casts. My own friend Neil, from the cable company had found it almost a miracle I could do his tedious keying job in my condition. I had called my friend in Cambridge and Bob talked me through it. I was heartbroken when he died of a brain aneurysm so shortly after we met.
Funny how workaholics never see the need for doing their best as anymore than necessary. I had no interest in anything but my work and responsibility to my parents' needs. Al was the first one who challenged me about that. He had made a similar mistake and even after I told him how much I loved him when I was in my twenties there was nothing I would do about it. Later when I was thirty and he looked me up I had met and fallen for Bill, my mentor in locksmith purchases, my best friend and cohort. I have always kept love as a very separate issue and until my parents were dead did not ever consider marriage. Even now I don't think it is a fair decision for someone with my health, but Philadelphia was far too cruel for me not to marry Alec.
Where to begin was a bit of a problem until I decided to put this in a semi-serious documentary, Joe Friday style. After all, who do I really care about impressing or entertaining.
The first thing I should cover is the men in my life and then the brain stuff or it won't seem logical. Dr. Caplan had some idea but still he missed all the personal stuff so if I just have him read this it might be a real eye opener, but girls everywhere are in for quite an education. Men truthfully do not think like women. Twice I fell deeply in love and actually ended up going insane over it; well at least not understanding and losing touch with the facts to make it more acceptable to me. Why not call the first guy Greg and the second Toby as in "Gift of God", not my dog, ;-). It took me many years and marriage to discover the levity, but when I was ill in NY in June and had a major optic flash, my husband just waited down in the rental car for me to realize he was locked out and come let him into our motel. Women everywhere are not like that, MEN think about what we will do; NOT us, we notice they are gone too long and suspect trouble!! Here in lies the true humor of my wonderful marriage with Alec. Sure he is Russian from a different culture; LADIES know that isn't it- -he is a MAN!! He loves me so very much we are always together when we can be- -the rest of the time he is working or logging hours on his super computer playing chess, etc. and with all the problems I am lucky to be making plans and notes for my dress designs and business watching television shows he always manages to remind me that we have seen before. Hey, I am brain damaged, perhaps I just forgot. ;-) Perhaps because I loved the movie, enjoyed it or have things on my mind doesn't seem a thought on his mind. Yes, indeed, I am ODD! I write, I should be a comic, dress designer, etc. the comments on my abilities never stop and yet I ask anyone who listens exactly when I am to find the time.
The most terrifying moment for me was when I was suddenly lost. Boy, did I freak out then and the dog was dying from the heat because my husband hadn't wanted me to rent the room a second night which I was doing for our (the dog and ME) comfort because his 6 hour meeting wasn't that long. Not for US?? Tell me any Mom or Wife who doesn't HEAR me loud and clear. Sure I spazz at times, but just think about my brain and it working with the stress and strain, the entire picture makes one's blood curdle! I have always been very emotional from my early youth since when my Mother had the irresistible urge to maim my face violently. I had equated that with death and would hide in our wall closets for an eternity waiting for my Dad to get home or her blessed coma state of sleep. We used to say, dear Lynnie, my sister and I; in whispers that "Satan, NEVER sleeps". God help us if we slept EVER while sitting across from the bed on the floor during one of our 36-48 hour death bed watches. :-( To this day we still start up short when we doze off inadvertently. My own Mother's demons are beyond me, but I think she had an extremely tragic life of her own and silence then was the watch word, as well as, Sacrifice. Women were forced to marry and live as some Stepford Wife stereotype whether she wanted it or not. Me, I dreamt of being a perfect wife and Vicki Leyton, my alter ego in the closet was my chance. Me, Miss No Self Esteem, simply feared but she was a miracle. Everything she did, she did the best. She was 'perfection, non-grata'. She did all and was all. Her family increased as I became more needy.
Prior to agreeing to marry Alec, the Russian Consulate was calling my apartment for him. He had no insurance, etc. and it just seemed stupid to wait because after computer dating a year we knew one another and he fell in love with me when he saw my cute little size 8/10 body and dimpled cheeks. I had told him of my hormone troubles and the cortisone poisoning that got me up to almost 300 pounds and he did not care, but hey girls a lot of Russians believe bigger is better. When I was placed on hormone pills again I managed to gain another 100 pounds and now I have a thyroid problem; but he never let's me feel he loathes this body since he seems to prefer it. For me it is a nightmare due to arthritis, asthma and balance problems. He is a truly loving and wonderful husband. I never had thought about a husband in my past. Odd that we were both single until we met and were both 40. We each planned a solo existence until we became pen pals. That first Christmas when I called him in Latvia his mother thought I must be a millionaire. My SSDI would make me very rich in that country, but the KGB would shoot me on sight since I am not easy to intimidate. My husband seems to think we Americans have the wrong idea about Russia. He said there is no Mafia and of the neighbors you have; 3 or 4 out of 5, work for the KGB as informants. His idea of American dating was women having the men take off their clothes and suddenly being left alone without anything to wear. I was amused, but it is a sad commentary on world relations. I laugh to myself that in my family, my brother and I married outside the US since my Dad was such a bigot. I think he turned over in his grave when Alec and I married. He knew my sister-in-law and she is a citizen here now; but even my brother told me it wasn't like living with someone and I should wait to get married since we had no plans for children. I guess a great deal of that was the Immigration and Naturalization problems. Still, all in all I love him more than words can say and that is why I have made so many foolish decisions. Me, I am a thinker, doer, planner. I do all, am all and plan all. I am like a steam roller, serial killer and historian all rolled up together. Not a easy woman to work with, love or live with I admit; but I like to think it has it's highlights, as well.
Up until yesterday I had not seen how much I need to write. I've always had journals and diaries, but I have not had time being married. Besides which, who cares when you know the story. I always recorded ever action and reaction of the men in my life. I always take great pains not to get my feelings hurt since rejection I thought would kill me. That is how I always got into trouble. I love cards, humorous, serious, double entendre. I remember every one's special day's; that is what saved my Dad so long if that was a kindness. Doctor Neyman knew me from the key shop and he has a smile that lights the darkest room. He operated over 8 hours on my Dad and then God love him, he spent hours talking with us and my unstable Mother. She was terrified that Dad would die, get more sympathy or attention and we loved him more. Not exactly a feather in her cap. Now my time was so tight not because I worked for my Dad all day and the rest of my hundred hour weeks were my 3rd shift job, but now I needed to know more than Master keying for Ralph and Carl and my beautiful soul David. He was a drummer with my favorite group by night and a workaholic for a rental agency by Day. I fell in love with him the first time he walked into the Modern Key Shop my Dad owned. He turned into a friend for life and I had secretly hoped someday we would be together; but there was Sweet William and if I did anything I would go to NY to be with him since his lovely little girl Kelley lived with his ex-wife there. Bill was great really, I pushed as much as I could, but several times I got a friend to go on trips with me so I could sneak off with him while in NY. He was my strength, courage and WISDOM through those first months after Bob from Boston died and Bill had not even met me except over the phone. He loved the sound of my voice and we had fun together talking as we worked. I got Call Waiting so I could keep the phone to my ear while I Master keyed. Our romance was, unfortunately doomed; but I held on what seemed like a lifetime of changes without breaking the stranglehold Modern Key kept on me. Timeless Love by Buffy Sainte Marie was my song for Bill for so many years. I thought in pictures and music suited my emotions until brain damage took that away from me. For almost 12 years the only music I listened to was Don Francisco and Twila Paris, Amy Grant, and Sandi Patti; does the link elude you? Yes they are not ballads and love songs since these were my initial taste of Christian singers. I had made a pack with God that I knew I would miss Precious Bill's birthday and Father's Day that year which I did by 4 days, but I was expecting HIM (God) to let me learn to write again since I had been paralyzed and could not even focus my eyes. I promised AGAIN, as when I was 8 and Mother almost pushed my face into the pan of hot grease, that 'Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place my trust in Thee'; Thy Will not mine was my bargain, but if this was it to take me then. I have recovered so much these last twelve years that I am a different person. Later in life I actually got to spend a weekend with Bill without working and had some fun playing horse races on that really great game board he had. Alec and I tried horse racing over the Internet and I know they have a great game some time I will get around to buying and playing.
So much has happened these last two months that I find myself feeling as I did in 1991 when I lost touch with what was a dream and what was real; though this is not Sleepwalking. I am again walking that tightrope of non reality trying to belong; in the new life I am living with my husband, he gives me the strength I did not have in that other episode. Alec is the best husband ever with his patience and strength of character. I find myself not able to BELIEVE we are getting started with our new lives. We left Philadelphia under grueling circumstances with my just getting out of the hospital a second time in about a month. The stay in Philly was a big waste, but NH straightened me right out in just days, which is why I believe in my doctor there. Here in Oneonta I have finally set up a new network of doctors and I have every hope of resolving my medical condition so that I don't scare myself and loved one's by getting out of control like last month. I feel great in the fresh air and we all love it here though you need transportation to traverse these hills especially if you have medical problems like me. It is good to know that all I need to do on this Diary which was a collection of memories for my Neurologist, is cover the period I call the terrible two's in my Bible for the Nineties on the other home page and this Diary can be just regarding my life experiences revolving around the Somnambulism to inform my new doctors. Once I get the periods of time clear in my memory it will be much easier to treat me. Not only does this make me feel better about sorting my memory, I enjoy what I am writing. When I discuss it or think about it, I feel my mind is in a quandary. Once it is just a recorded memory like a diary or journal I find the sequence much easier to deal with. I have decided to address my sleepwalking in this journal. Thus far I have had no episodes of that and I am not planning to have them again now that I am living in a wonderful place. I have loved the mountains all my life so this is great. We have a car and everything is so local. I HATE the city and find the people so cruel and mean rather then friendly and kind as they are here in this city which seems more like a town. Oneonta is called the 'City of Hills'. It is scenic and beautiful, but has the necessary places to make one feel at home.
When I think about my life it becomes glaring to me that I searched for LOVE. I had a close relationship with my sister throughout, but the sleepwalking was a secret I never really explained. Now I have Alec who knows everything about me and still loves me so it makes my life seem like a dream come true. I have no doubts about the fact that everything will settle down and become more fabulous for us as soon as we finish working out all the small problems. Truthfully the major part of my life now is that I am married to the most wonderful man alive and everything I think about in someway relates to him except my dream distortions. I retain the truth and mix the order enough so I am not certain what is true when I suffer the sleep disorder. If I sleep an hour I have no problem knowing my dream from reality and more than three hours is also fine but two hours I locate my husband and ask him about the distortions. Just recently I scared everyone because I was caught in my own "Bermuda Triangle"- -going from A to B to C became impossible since my husband had returned to PA and I was in a hospital in NH. The problem shocked me when I learned that I was missing three days. I did things I can not remember except in a dreamlike state and I want to make certain nothing like this ever happens again. When I could not locate my husband I started thinking he was not real and I had imagined I was married. In my simple solution I used A for Alec and B for Bette; the C was from Childhood or my sister. In Philadelphia that worked out fine, but in NH it was a problem. Every time I expected to find Alec it was my sister and then I was certain I was imagining everything. There was my sister when I expected to see her, but also when I expected Alec. The danger of the triangular method of escaping the non reality problem became confused with other health problems and what I had used as 'bow tie thinking' became elliptical which meant family and I was lost in time again. When I finally made the connection that Alec was not with me the corrections were easily worked into my thinking and I was horrified that I was out of it for that amount of time. In Philadelphia I would just seek proof of Alec and find it but the hospital gave me no such verification and I saw how easily things were slipping through the cracks. I thought I was safe with keeping me in the center and A and C separate, but I made no plan for what happened and now I see that other times the problem might have existed with other men in my life and these memoirs will help me make sense of that.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, applies to this moment because I am taking charge of resolving something that has plagued me since I was 2 years old. Today the 30th of September my new doctor explained so much that my life has become clear to me. I will keep up with what I am writing here to explain to my family, but Alec knows and now has someone to call if I exhibit symptoms so we are all happy.
Where do I begin- -that time I was young and when I was talking to my parents and their friend's that I did not remember in our new house in Tyngsboro, that was in 1963. I remembered about Tuna sandwiches later, but I did not know I had left my bed to ask about it. Funny that it all seemed to start with a picnic. One day it was a slight problem and then by the time I am in my forties it was MAJOR. Recently I wrote an entire book in my dreams, one I might put next, but that dreamlike state is what ended up costing me dearly. When I was in NH I had such a thin sliver of the puzzle and lost contact with what was real completely.
Yes, let me start with the dreamlike state of planning my book. Alec was like Alchemides and the secret was in a pool of water. He was much as he is in real life: brilliant, competent and understanding for starters. How much poise and knowledge he had. In truth he did, as he watched me in my sleepwalking state. It was real to me as a dream but I left markers in place for me to find later as reminders. I was a translator for the world as it stood on the precipice of doom. It was like a solid hole was drilled through the world and reaching the bowels of Hell. I was able to talk with the trees and aliens, etc. in either sound or light, even temperature. I sensed all things as I was sensitive to them. I sat as the golden cherub in a stream of bright light being questioned by attorneys in a mock court room. The light was perfect and all knowing. It came from God and His Heaven above. Everyone watched in a breathless silence as the Creator was deciding if the world should survive another millennium. It was judgment day for all but not the official Judgment Day yet. It was set up as an Olympic match between North, South, East and West. Each was on their own courtyard. I had only one job and that was to translate the entire transcript as it was written. The bright light showered my every move from water creatures to human to sunlight. Soon I was aware of the total darkness and interpreting those clues. The world stood breathless and panting seeking the smallest increase in life force. I spoke to the trees and flowers to take their vote when it became clear that human kind was on trial. I pitied those gathered watching in silence to learn their fate. I continued translating on my throne of concrete where a predecessor stood now as a statue of stone. I felt the wood of the trees to hear what they said, I talked to one and all. I had started with the smallest creature and stopped with ethereal entities like the ocean and sky. Man was condemned by some and honored by others. His fate stood in the balance. I read the message of the sun, the moon, the stars and the sky as quickly as the stone on which I sat. It was not my job to judge, just merely interpret. In truth during this dream I was walking around my hallway and kitchen trying to mark things down for posterity. This is what scared Alec since I seemed to know what I was saying and doing, but it was so very odd. He was afraid to leave me alone so called 911. The thing that bothered me was that I felt I had done nothing odd and when I was greeted at the door by hospital staff I just assumed it was part of what Alec wanted for me and went with them. There was no real give and take just a rather blind obedience. I can understand what concerned Alec and the stay at that hospital did not improve my state, but he knew when I got home that I was not all right and got me to Dr. Eisen for help just in the nick of time within a few weeks. I had nearly trashed my computer acting out the different parts of my book, I had left milk out for me in the kitchen as it was hot in the apartment and I craved calcium desperately to walk around the narrow confines of the tropically balmy hall. It didn't seem real to me and I thought I was having an interactive dream with my husband. That is what I started to think when he was so real and the dream was not. My sleepwalking had taken on a new dimension since getting married. With medication and less stress I think my sleepwalking days are over, but my darling Alec is to act as a spy for my doctor to be certain. Since now when I see him in my dreams it just feels natural it will continue for him to be able to know when I am having a problem. I don't know where else to start except to convey the entire dream. I walked up and down the hall and touched various parts of the wall which made me able to speak with Mother Nature herself. I went upstairs and felt the seat of the exercise bike to feel the heat up there and felt the cold porcelain like top of the freezer down in the living room then stopped to sit at the computer. I typed on a darkened screen and thought somehow it all made sense. My character was walking in many worlds and seeing everything she needed to know what everything felt about mankind. Her job seemed complicated, but her being an Empathic was natural and came readily to her. The spectators were in awe of what she could do and yet she saw no special gift as this was the way she lived her life. After I in reality slammed down the keyboard of the computer I left the room to walk the halls and read the flashing lights that were not even on from were we had placed lights for me to decorate the apartment for holidays. I read the count and color of the alien force positioned overhead as in a movie I had seen, Independence Day. My thoughts were jumbled and yet they all seemed so clear to me. My mind seemed alert and sharp. I did not know I was walking around slamming things and talking gibberish, alarming Alec with fear for me. This continued for days as I worked out the plot I was dreaming. This period of life was real only as an interactive dream. Again I sat and watched the tournament before me on the two courts positioned between the judges seats. Once in my bedroom the dream changed and I plotted a different movie still with the same message about the end of life as we know it and that I am calling the Bible for the Nineties in a different place. After working the alternate plot for awhile I returned to the living room and talked to the council of ambassadors which was voting before God on the entire pageant. I spoke in many languages so that everyone could understand what was happening. No one and nothing felt left out of what I interpreted as the order had been scrupulously maintained through out. No one had to ask questions or doubt the answers as it was all well guarded in a rigid protocol. Painstakingly I read the words on a monitor which showed none and corrected the work of others who had interpreted them, but for me I had all the answers. I made no mistakes and had no doubts of exactly what was intended by the witnesses. At this point Alec and I became one entity. I had set up a very involved code to feed data through so everyone could understand what went on off screen. The code was geometric shapes advancing to complex calibrations, the world had to be repositioned by land mass. Still the complicated code continued, continua on into infinium and ecoute, ecoute the French word for listen; so much detail through a complex web and still the recycled truth needed to be divided by paper or plastic to find the proper location to insert the data. I invented equations as I worked. I wrote the thesis as I interpreted what I read. Knowing all made that easier, but still it was a task of monumental concentration. The warm glow from Heaven wrapped me in a relaxing peace of mind. I knew how terrified the masses were with what they heard and how the selected would vote, but my words were those chosen by men and nature before me. The sun beat mercilessly down on me and still I approached all the planets with my questions. Bathed in gold I accumulated the data. I did not know how long I would walk these halls but the council was finding terms of agreement. Man had polluted and destroyed, yet there was good displayed by many. Everyone voted again and watched as the main athletic competition convened. The gymnastic competion was the next portion to be voted on and it was decreed that the oriental women had held the secret of making a full rich life for their families and working themselves to the size of bumble bees, so they should make the final decision. Suddenly a tiny creature came out to perform and upon finishing it was unanimous that she was the winner of the match. This miniature woman was the one who knew the secret of the Sphinx and her strength had helped rule Egypt. She knew the secret of the pyramids as well. She represented all women. Everyone watched in awe as she came in first on every event. No one could compete with her energy or enthusiasm. She did whatever she attempted with flourish and gusto She won each event; the swimming, gymnastics and bicycling. Now suddenly a ruckus broke out as to cultural mistreatment of women and the horrible stories shocked the audience. The woman who had just performed for them told everyone about what had happened to her. No one wanted to believe the truth of her words but as I repeated her entreaties they knew her words were sincere. Here is a very grey area because the memories are quite jumbled and nonsensical because I went to the hospital the first time this summer but I picked up where I left off in the 3 weeks I was home prior to NH. There was a combining of story lines on my two books and an image of Demi Moore as the woman I thought about. She was the first female Marine something like the movie GI Jane which I never saw. Another book had started and I managed to keep all 3 separate. In the third book I thought in a cast of characters I used Hollywood to staff. In the weeks before NH I became more closely allied with my dreams and I had little ability to cook complex meals so I started preparing French Toast. That was my only link with reality. I was sleepwalking most of the time or sitting in the bathtub with water spraying on me from the shower. When I was dreaming I was in control of the world as the translator who balanced Russia on her back and I wanted to raise the lead bell up and ring the living bell as some covenant I had with a Buffy Sainte Marie character who was my sister. All women felt I had made the best choices for the ceiling of our capital building; the first floor was a sun and rainbow, the second was movie heart throbs and third was concert idols, all Hollywood types who had made it big in the real world, but still they were not personally known by me. I also seemed to be trying to rid the world of Original sin. I took on more religion in my dreams as I spoke for the Trinity and Holy Family. I seemed to know what Christ thought and felt as well as the Blessed Mother and I seemed to travel through time like Quantum Leap's Scott Bakula. I never left a man behind. I returned for everyone who ever worked with me and succeeded in restoring their faith. When I was thinking like the Blessed Mother I wanted to give birth with polliwogs and not strain women's bodies and at the same time I thought I was pregnant and needed to give birth myself. The thoughts while I sat under the steady stream of shower water made me feel like I was helping my condition though in truth it was my thyroid and I wasn't helping at all. Alec knew when I was like this that I needed help to sort out my thinking and called my sister back in MA where I could return to Dr. Eisen and that night I lost reality completely and was lost in the cobweb I had always feared. I was clever enough to keep things separate but now Alec was becoming part of the dream. Now I was no longer safe from myself and I thank God Alec was here to do the right thing for me. Since getting to NH for help I feel 100% better and all I need to do now is recollect the dream to put sequence to some other details. I have just discovered there were other times I don't recall as they happened and I doubt I can ever remember what happened. I had some idea about going out on the roof and breaking my back which I remember one but not the other. A party is always on the roof and usually after a shower that is where I head, but breaking my back is not known to me why. Seeing the nonsense I was speaking to my husband both distresses me and scares me since I don't recall it. My dear, sweet husband had no choice since I was not well enough to be left alone but to call and do something about my behavior. At that hospital I lost more stuff through theft and I am now trying to do something about it, but I was not safe alone. I regret that they didn't treat my condition properly and I was losing touch with reality during my stay there.
I have neglected the main saga of the dream and at this point I will start the story as it happened in my mind's eye. I went through a collapse and was secretly writing a thesis of my own which I used Alec's name to empower. It was my plan to build a castle of gold to raise the perfect child. When the child arrived she would not know where she was in the recesses of the castle only that her thoughts and words would remain in the castle until she was old enough to handle all the responsibility of her future. Much as Alchemides turned lead to gold so did Alec through his explanation of the process and within a short time the foundation of the castle was constructed in a mold of gold. Covering the gold beams was a regular looking castle that housed the secrets held by women through out the decades from the beginning of time. Only the family elders could decide when it was safe for the Golden child to leave the stone walls and return to her Father where she would process the information she knew through the golden beams that let only truth be spoken. It was her legacy to interpret the entire transcript of the mock trial and see what was to become of mankind. She was up for the task and ready to leave her protection to honor the wishes of the Father. She did not ask why when the elders were preparing her as she knew the plan from a very early age. She was to read the report and translate it for everyone to understand. She spoke in a language so beautiful that all the world stopped to listen since she sang in a chorus from Heaven. Her thoughts remained her own as she read and stated a translation for mankind to hear from the trees to the birds, bees and fish. No entity was spared or forgotten and soon it became clear who was on trial. She did not let feelings enter into her dictation and the council set before her. No one alive could do the job the child did in translating her understanding of the truth. Some of what she said was negative about the cruelty shown by man and yet there was also a strong current of positive notes that sang from the beautiful lips and everyone was captivated by the musical quality of the girl. She was able to fly right into the sun and became the water right in front of their eyes. Everyone sat in awe of her abilities and watched with great interest how she translated the document in front of her. In such a short time she had exposed the feelings of the wind, moon and stars; everything was vibrant and alive for her to interview. No one was prepared to hear the translation of the children of all the world because there was such a diversification. Her song rang out like a hollow echo as each council member listened to her words. Her every gesture was alive with passion as she spoke. Next came the adults and once again there was a wide variety of choice but they all voted to save mankind when they spoke. Now it was time to hear the verdict of the mountains where man skied and frolicked not hurting the land with any more force than the weight of their bodies. The echo that rang out of the cherubs lips was forceful and contagious to the listener's ear and they wanted to hear more. No one was surprised that the mountains were more cruel than the stars and moon even though man started exploring outer space when he crossed over to attempting to fly to all the planets and next they would speak. Saddened by the vote of the mountains everyone sat quietly listening about the next vote. Next came the sky and that was a no win situation for all mankind between noise and air pollution which angered the sky immensely. The vote was so close for an end to mankind that the council sat in horror at what they heard. Fear for the first time seemed to permeate their thoughts and how was it going to end unless they chose to jump into the volcano and be born again into a new world order. What they heard made them wonder if life was to go on for them and they started to fear the outcome of what they heard. No one was prepared to have mankind terminated but it looked as though that was going to be the outcome and the verdict. Now the council listened with all their attention split between the ocean and the planets. The ocean was very angry about the pollution and toxic dumping, while the planets realized they had not given man the chance to abuse them and they had high hopes that it would stay that way. When it was nearly over the council felt worried about the outcome since they thought it was looking grim for man. They had no way of knowing what would happen in just a short while as the girl kept translating despite her own personal feelings. The sun beat down upon her and still she rose to the occasion when she had to translate how the sun felt. She told the story that the sun had no hard feelings about man and thus a vote for him. As the time passed it seemed that it was all over for man, even adults were complaining though they voted for survival. God heard the translation knowing He had decided the outcome already. The only way that mankind was able to withstand temptation was if he had no choices to make. God knew He had to remove some of the freedom held by them to choose right from wrong. In light of what He knew, man had plenty of reason to choose good over evil but He wanted to be certain of the outcome this time. Him having to lose His son was too high a price to pay. He thought that man was dangerous and stupid in many ways. When faced with knowledge like knowing the past and future you are not able to separate yourself so you become afraid. Fear rules men and they become like animals protecting their young. When the threat is taken away it becomes more manageable to work with them. He had no idea what men thought of the odds they were changing when they had a triumph. It seemed like a constant fight was waged by the Almighty depending on what men decided. They seemed at loggerheads. Man wanted to see what he had to do before he assumed the worst. There is no happy medium between right and wrong so God wanted to keep the odds favoring good. He had lost a son and now he was sending His daughter to make man see the error of their ways. It was the planets turn to cast a ballot and they displayed their indifference by not wasting time discussing it. After a long pause while God spoke to the girl doing the translating it was decreed that man had less friends than enemies and they must start again knowing what they knew now. All God's children were to return as souls who had wisdom and experience. The new world order was to be all knowing and correcting mistakes made in past lives. If man had any hope of surviving then he must learn from his past rather than forgetting it. There must be communication between all men and the best way to insure the wealth of knowledge was through soul mates. Once two souls have locked on to each other there is no way to separate them from a source of light. They become stronger and indivisible. That is how I feel having met my husband. There may be problems but we are together for life and that is the most important thing to me. Yes, it is true that this dissociative behavior was a problem we had to withstand but the strength of our marriage was never tested. From the moment that man entered this perfect phase where by he was bathed in light from soul mates who had passed over, there was no reason to be afraid for him. The girl translated the words of God the father to the council's ears and we were all swept away into the golden arches of the castle that was built to house the new redeemer. Here in my character was changed and I went from translator to mother. There is no room for more than one job or responsibility when you reach the cut off. Each soul knows its place in the master weaving of God without an interpreter. Men who return to soul mates have the world at their disposal to create a perfect child. At this point it becomes more important what you know since the acorn does not fall far from the tree. Once united there is no way for you to be divided ever again. Each perfect child goes forth to love and honor their parents and make the world a better place than when they found it. In the giant gold castle all the souls united with their other half and then made their way toward their children who would populate the world. No one would be left behind unless they wanted to remain in the castle. Now that there was no choice of who was in control it became obvious what the outcome of the this Second Coming would be. Men were ashamed of what history had revealed to them and they wanted to make a difference in the future knowing what they knew. Working together made them realize there was nothing as important as uniting in a common cause. Each soul that wanted to stay behind and help out humanity did so with a happy heart. Man's selfishness had cost him his life, his life but not his soul. Man no longer sought riches because he realized that was not important. Finding out where he belonged was of the utmost importance and all his concern was for insuring a future of harmony between man and nature. The wind would blow on a more peaceful planet of man united to work with the elements. The souls that stayed behind knew when it was time that they would be reborn as human children who were aware of all the dangers and folly they had previously ignored. By this point I had stopped witnessing the tennis match which was to establish who had won the tournament. Only God knew the outcome of this game because He was omnipotent. Each serve had been excellent and the players were trying their best but all that was happening was a diversion while the hearing went on. The judges sat on the sidelines scoring and reporting on the game. The audience cheered as the game continued. It was just enough to entertain men who were amassed for the outcome of the trial. Once the translations were completed and the work was done it became obvious that man had made too many mistakes to continue as he had and God had no choice but to settle the debt. At this point I had become more important to the children than to translating. It was my role as mother to the Chosen which started me working under a different guise. God finished letting the trial continue as it had and the council hung on every word of the translation until the law of the land was laid down. No longer could I take time off from the children when I became both Mother Earth and the Blessed Mother. My choices seemed clear to me that I had too much to do and I cut back on what I was doing. I had at first taken on the role of Mother Russia and I wanted to ring the living bell to start a new world order for the children. They had so much to do to shape the world of their Holy parents. I could not be all and do all. It was up to me to help the children learn all they could properly. It was part of life beginning again that made me so important. I could teach the children all they wanted to learn and build a new future for them as well. There would not be anything as important to these children as a mother's love, especially the Holy Mother. I knew what the Holy Father wanted them to know and I was able to open their eyes to the generations that were lost. There was no way that these children would suffer the loss of their innocence. I found that my heart was able to love each and every child with a mother's love, never once doubting their wisdom and perseverance. It was a marvelous feeling to have. These chosen children would lead the world into a golden phase. I instructed them as to the importance of living in the light without any ideas of previous society. My own child was offered to the Father to save the world and all the other children were to learn from me what He wanted of them. The excitement and joy were abounding as the children listened to my words. As the Mother of God, I had all the answers and I was able to teach much as Christ was able to teach. The truth of what I said filled every heart and these children were going to learn to follow a path of enlightenment. I felt that this was the only way to fulfill my destiny and promise to God. I decided to watch over these children from a setting in a community of the chosen with parents assigned to certain locations. Each family would share their lives with me to make certain they were living in the image of God. We were like an alien nation born under this glass dome in a new land under the ocean. I watched and saw how much these golden children were like my own daughter who was living in the light of God. I had no doubt that the next 2,000 years would please the Father. Life had a second chance and this time man would always make the right choice. From under the ocean the children had to relocate to start life over again. There were treaties with so many to try to recommence life on the planet as it was without hate. I spoke with these chosen children and they set up the earth as a huge game board. There was one super power and it was God. We all wanted Him to be pleased with everything we did. Each child was given the choice of where they wanted to start their lives. There was no such thing as over-population or war. The joy and happiness that these children felt was overwhelming to them because they knew what the top of the mountain felt like. They all joined together to populate the world and share all the goodness that was inside them and they had no doubt about their salvation. So much needed to be done before all the continents could live together in harmony because the cultures were so different, so it was decided to wait to blend cultures. The children had learned about working together and doing the right thing from their parents in their separate community. It was easy to bring up the children in that atmosphere. The world was finally ready to share its future with the children who wanted to make the world one big happy family. It was decided to let America be the melting pot of the cultures only after the children learned all that was necessary to run their country. Like a giant school each room of the USA was designed to teach each child a lesson about the various continents and yet also teach them what made them happy about being together. Like school prepared them to go out into the world once they were ready to take their place in their new home, the maps of the different continents were drawn. Each child had learned what each place had been like before the world had started again. They did not understand how man could have chosen as they did, but they learned their lessons well. They learned about art and literature. They knew what they needed to make a day in their lives seem perfect and they did not want to repeat mistakes made by a dying people. Time was endless and they wanted to read and create beauty. These children would grow up to take care of themselves and love one another. They had seen life as it was before the Second Coming and they wanted to avoid that because their parents had taught them well the price they would pay for misjudgment. God chose not to let disobedience exist. Choosing to do the right thing was all the children learned from the past. They felt honored to be the beginning of a new society. When your attitude is right you don't find ways to circumvent the truth. Through out the history of the past, people made do when things went wrong . They would try to find ways to take the power out of the hands of God. This was a mockery of God and He would not abide by it. God did not punish man, He gave him a second chance to live through the children. These chosen children had faith, hope and charity. They learned to follow God with all their hearts. They loved the Blessed Mother without question and their devotion to their parents was unparalleled. The following is the way it was for the children from the beginning. Alaska was the entrance into the game board the children had devised of the USA and the slide was where their future was chosen. All the continents were set aside from one another by water. The children were young enough to like school and learning and playing on the slide. They learned about their cultures and home life before being placed in the 48 connecting states of America to bring up children of their own. The other continents were broken down into countries and the borders were lenient. All the chosen children had lived together in Alaska and enjoyed one another but they each knew their soul mate and were waiting to start a new generation of spiritual leaders. Once the population of the world started then all the souls were going to be born again. There was a strong line of heritage starting with each country and those who were to learn in the USA. The true parents of human children were determined in Alaska where the generation was spawned. It was all an intricate plan like some game invented using live game pieces. No one knew how the world would end up but man had its second chance. The chosen few were human and they were being taught by the angels how best to behave. They saw life through holy eyes who were not betrayed by greed. Each child had a legacy from his Holy parents who were pure and chaste. The planet was getting another chance to live on and prosper. These children were all that was left of the population of the world. They learned of their soul mates in Alaska and made all the plans they could to learn whatever was necessary for the repopulation of the world. It had not occurred to them that there was a past from which they sprang since they were pure. God wanted all the children to start out equal and age through a short time into adulthood under the guidance of the angels. Those angels would stay with the Chosen throughout their lives since they had no reason to die. Man was to be taught all the virtue of the angels and their beauty. They had no memory of their parents who chose to passover to be reborn and live as human children under the tutelage of the new spiritual leaders. The white snows of Alaska held the attention of the children until they learned all that they had to learn. They loved sports that were performed in cold weather. They had a chance to get to be their best in the wonderland of winter while they were living in the snow. They had no way of knowing what was important to learn except through their teachers who made certain they took in all that was necessary. The girls and boys had marvelous instruction about raising their own children. They wanted to be taught everything that they would need by the patient and loving angels who were taking the responsibility of the upbringing. In the new world there was no right and wrong because there was no one to give wrong any meaning. As the children grew into adulthood they shared the secrets which would give their own children a special advantage in life. There were to be no world leaders as God ruled the lands. These new world leaders were taught good without being taught there was bad. Man was to have a chance to fly to the moon and stars without polluting or destroying. For each whim they had, they had means. No more was one nation ruling in a dictatorship there was unity and co-operation. When the children reached adulthood there was no reason to believe that they would choose to hurt one another or neglect what was important. Here it was the year 2000 approaching and then the new world order would begin. No one wanted to revert back to the way things were before the Second Coming. The Master Weaver had plans for His children to live happy and full lives. The children would grow to adulthood by the year 2000 and then all the nations of the world would unite. No one wanted to be rich or famous and they did not live as those before them. The things important to these new world leaders were to do their best and to learn all they could. No one wanted to be the best, just the best that they could be. Each child wanted to grow to be an adult with the chance to make the world a better place. They were to unite in the USA where they could choose partners and start to plan for the future. Not a future of short duration, but a long term life of purpose and joy. The children they were to bear were to grow up in their image and likeness. No one had values that were not taught by the angels. The angels made all the difference to the new order of things. From the point where the children grew to adulthood there was a tremendous amount of activity which happened. Here were the new leaders in a position of power and authority. Their children wanted their parents to be proud and pleased. The world was like a giant Risk game and the people were like players. The parents ran all the countries without war or disagreement. Everyone was united in their efforts and attempting to excel at there own interests. There were mathematicians and teachers leading the way in education. All the sciences still existed and the role of game playing took on the idea of research. No one wanted to live in a world without challenge. God knew everything and set a schedule for man to learn whatever area of expertise was his interest. God was going to let man have all the knowledge he had possessed though there was no sickness or need for lawyers. There was no need for many things the children were not aware existed and whatever the angels saw fit to teach, prompted them to learn. They wanted to learn how it was to know what nature was saying to them. They also wanted to learn about the Second Coming. It seemed like miracles existed in history that they wanted to learn as well. The thirst for knowledge kept each child from making wrong choices because they were too busy inventing things they wanted to explore. Space travel had begun but the speed of light was still not invented and they all wanted to travel from the earth to all the other planets. They had discovered that the translator knew everything that God did and they wanted to know more about the translation of that final court room epic. They wanted to understand what a gift God had given them. They wanted to learn about all of nature and their brothers and sisters. Each culture knew what had happened to end the world as it was, but they wanted to know why God had spared them and then they heard about the Golden Child and the parents who were so devoted that they searched for 2000 years to find one another. The translator had shared a secret with them about that love and that the family had started the world. Each child had been so loved by the Father that all the sacrifice in the world was not too much. In the beginning the Blessed Mother had asked her husband Joseph to follow her and he did. When she tried to retrace her steps to find him again it proved a difficult and arduous task. He followed through a long involved search for her son that culminated in a life threatening hardship for them. It became more difficult to follow and Joseph was not able to locate her. She had promised her son that she would intervene on the behalf of the people with the Father and she did. When she appeared at Fatima she told the children that she would not leave them and that they must believe in the next savior. They promised her they would pass on her message when the time was right. They lived long enough for the words to be spoken aloud to the daughter of God who would do her Father's bidding. When she came forth to save the world her brother's work was finished and she started translating for the Father to make the world understand that it was not by His choice that the world was coming to an end and He would be forced to start over again. He spared the children who were sinless and let them learn from the angels. How each promise was to be fulfilled was known only by the Father and the Son who had given a 2,000 year limit for man to learn that his choices were wrong. The Father knew that His Son was prepared to be crucified again for the salvation of man. His love was true despite their treatment of Him. God did not feel that they deserved the opportunity to make another mistake which spit in the face of His Son. He offered His Daughter for the new world to follow without the danger of Her suffering. Man was to start all over this time without the benefit of choice. Man possessed the ability to choose after disobeying God and they did not learn what was important. This time they would be led by a child. His child. The angels would teach the children and they would start living in a new uncluttered world. The children started living in Alaska and their place on earth was chosen so they knew where they belonged. Each child was to start life on a separate continent in different countries, then when they were ready they were to move to the USA. In the USA it was easy for each child to be educated and reunited with their counterpart. The states were to separate the first children in class rooms. America was like a huge school that offered whatever knowledge the children wanted. Each child was to share their lives with a soul mate they knew in class because they were to have the same interests. There was nothing more important than starting each continent with well educated children. This time there would be no rivalry because they would be taught to apply themselves to do the best that they could. Each country needed the children to run it without help from their parents and that would prepare them for the USA, where they were to meet their soul mates. It was important to the sociologists that each culture was represented. As each child selected their interests it became necessary to plan out where they were going to learn the most. The boys were in America starting to settle down to their studies while the girls led the way in their heartland. As the children exited out of Alaska they left their soul mate to educate themselves as best they could. Those children who did not choose to specialize were moved to Alabama and Arkansas and they were given a choice as to what they would decide professionally. The boys were able to choose farming and mechanics instead of philosophy or medicine. It was important for life to continue on as it had been before the Second Coming without the negative. For the world to be full of love not greed, just a few things had to be changed. Man would still be allowed some freedoms but the ability to choose between right and wrong was not one of them. As each child came of age then they would reunite with their counterpart and go on to have children of their own. At this time they would chose where they would live. The world was wide open for them to make the most of it. There was to be a sovereign leader who was the most educated in charge of each continent, but there was a secondary crew of followers in charge of each country. They were the educators. It was necessary to divide up the leaders since the Holy Family was responsible for the truth of God being passed down to the children.
Sorting out these dreams is a big job but one that will be fun for me
because it is like finding pieces to a giant jigsaw puzzle. Each
time you locate the piece you want, you get a little closer to the truth.
It is not sufficient to find a piece without knowing where in it fits.
Like a map or a beautiful picture it takes time to study all the lines
and inferences. Once you study the completed works, how easy it all
becomes to understand. Having sharp fragments that don't seem to
fit anywhere makes for a very odd shape if you force it in the wrong place.
With patience and guidance there is no problem which cannot be solved.
In my own unique experience of mind over matter, it can be tedious and
exhausting to accumulate all the data and process it to its point of complete
comprehension. No longer do I fear sleep or things I did not know
and with this last visit to a neurologist who has my files it ends this
chapter of our lives here in Oneonta. Since the books have been written
ahead of the actual writing, I now have even more books to work on here
at Xoom. The imagination is a terrible thing to waste. I have
numerous books I started, to get the idea down on paper and now I can feel
free to put them out on this site. Some are mysteries and some love
stories, feel free to read and enjoy. They are incomplete at this
time, but I am trying to make time everyday to add to at least one.
My husband thinks I am a great writer and I enjoy it, so why not?
. . .
Murder By Modem,
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