I am recovering from my stay in the second Mental health clinic.  I am horrified when I realize how thoroughly both my family and friends do not understand my basic state of mind and I blame that on the hiding and creating fantasies to ward off my childhood terrors.  It is interesting to me how privately I hold the 'inner sanctum', as I my father once called it.  He in fact told me that he wished he possessed 10% of my brain and I had thought that odd at the time.  I was 15 then and suffered the most atrocious vulgarities any woman could.  I never told anyone about the day I was just sitting watching the polliwogs when those construction guys attacked me, I remember just wanting things to be over and the fear of trying to get into my house without my mother realizing I was late.   I stayed under that steaming hot water in the shower for a very long time after I snuck back inside and never did it occur to me that normally a child being so molested would run to someone for comfort.  Instead, I simply did what I always did and created a drama in the character of Vicki Leyton.